Cowboy Artillery

Explosive players on the football field are often referred to as weapons. The boys’ trio of great running backs is no different. We thought it was about high time to officially align the members of Dallas’ heralded backfield with the firearms they most resemble.

Tashard Choice, #23: 9mm pistol

Before it’s discharged, this compact piece may lack the visual oomph to make the fiercest foes tremble. But heads start to turn once Red Jesus begins unloading its heavier-than-expected munitions. Consistent, reliable, and powerful, it is a grave mistake to confuse these shots with a .22 (although a famous #22 might be a more apt comparison). Able to pack a heavy workload in a single clip, precision use of this choice may be the most surefire way to slay opponents.

Marion Barber, #24: shotgun

Entering a gunfight only to be confronted by this intimidating unit is never an enviable scenario. Sure, it may not be the quickest instrument to get a shot off, but if it connects, the recipient of the blow is sure to fall as the shell continues flying along its path of destruction. One blow is surely more painful than a hollow-point from the nine, but due to the violent force behind each pump and ejection, this fine piece of weaponry must be handled with care and often needs to take a game or two off to cool down after heavy use. Ideally suited to finish off a wounded foe who is struggling to stay on his feet.

Felix Jones, #28: rocket launcher

Weapon of mass destruction. A sure sign of the coming apocalypse. How could man have taken it this far and developed such a lethal instrument? This unparalleled feat of engineering is highly dangerous in the wrong hands and even transporting it to the launching pad without accidental discharge or a break down of one of its fragile components is a monumental feat. The projectiles offered up by this juggernaut are sure to annihilate their targets, but the drawback is they only can be fired so often. Each unleashing of this spectacle of modern warfare requires a crew of technicians to rush in immediately afterwards to tend to repairs. When operated under the strategy of a master general, timely use of this golden gun can lead to the demise of an entire nation. It is simply indefensible.

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