Archive for the ‘PLife’ Category

Asheville DWI Letter

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

I submitted this letter to both the Asheville Citizen-Times and Mountain Xpress newspapers. I have received no replies or indication that they intend to publish it or even investigate the matter. I understand that at approximately 2700 words it is too long for any “Letters” section, but I believe it needs to be published so what better forum than…




Driving while under the influence of alcohol is a very dangerous activity. I know this because I’ve seen the videos and statistics produced to dissuade young drivers from engaging in such reckless behavior, I count among my friends those who have suffered the trauma of horrific accidents, and I have personally experienced an unforgettable ten seconds of terror: I was run over by a presumably (it was a hit-and-run) drunk driver in a pick-up truck going approximately sixty miles an hour while riding my motorbike early on the morning of January 29, 2011.

My crash occurred in Dallas, where I was born and raised. I remember when I was in high school seeing a letter my parents received from the head of school, co-authored by the chief of the Dallas Police Department, labeling underage drinking in north Texas “an epidemic” and echoing the ubiquitous warnings of the dangers of driving while under the influence. You can faithfully count me among the proponents of finding a way to get this problem under control.

While thus far I have submitted nothing controversial, I am about to say something that I know many people will not like or agree with. I was convicted on May 14 of driving while impaired in Buncombe County, tests revealed my blood alcohol content was at the legal limit of 0.08, and I don’t think I did anything wrong (in a moral sense – obviously I was in violation of the law). My only regrets stem from the consequences that I have had to and will continue to endure, and I do not apologize to the community for putting others at risk.

That’s the problem with ameliorating this societal issue: it is an extremely slippery slope. If you drink at all, you probably have had a couple of drinks at dinner and driven home. Depending on your weight, gender, how often you drink, and other factors, you may have been either completely unaffected or guilty of driving while impaired. And although setting an arbitrary blood alcohol content as the point at which drivers should be arrested may accurately apply the appropriate consequences to a wide swath of the population, it also puts some people in the “guilty” category who are not at an increased risk of hurting others.

I will leave names out of this, despite my temptation to do otherwise, in order to demonstrate that this is not intended as a petty attempt at revenge. I am writing this letter because in my limited exposure to Asheville, I see a populace that is politically active and willing to stand up for itself. The circumstances of my case, which I initially presumed to be anomalous, appear to be shockingly routine in light of my discussion with others while going through the process of handling my case.

While in town visiting and dog sitting for my parents for a few days, I had consumed a couple of drinks on a Friday night when I drove to the Shell station (attached to the 51 Grill on Merrimon Avenue) to get a snack before retiring for the night. It was a simple errand, and I had not been out partying or anything of the sort. However, apparently I was at an intersection that feeds in and out of downtown where many drivers my age may often be doing just that. Given that this gas station was very well-lit and I was not in the habit of turning headlights on at night because my vehicle back in Dallas performed this task automatically, I pulled out of the gas station without my headlights on. A law enforcement cruiser lit me up almost immediately.

All of the field sobriety tests administered to me by the officers were fatally flawed. I told the lead officer I had contact lenses in which easily irritate my eyes, yet she had me perform the horizontal gaze nystagmus eye test without providing me a way to remove them. At the “sixteen-one thousand” point of a test in which one must stand on one foot for thirty seconds while counting out loud, which would be difficult for many people regardless of whether or not they had been drinking, the officer asked me to adjust my arms and thus I put my other foot down. I failed this test because “I failed to follow instructions.” Not to mention the reality that many people are understandably uncomfortable while being interrogated by multiple police officers in pitch black darkness, it was forty degrees outside, and I was performing the tests on an uphill stretch of concrete which was wet from the recent rain. For such a short drive, I was wearing my father’s slippers that didn’t even cover the heels of my feet.

The lead officer then asked me if I would take a breath test. Given the fact that I was in a strange city in which I knew nobody and had an urgent responsibility to take care of (which I will detail shortly), at this point I became nervous, because I realized for the first time that they were actually considering the possibility of arresting me. I told the officer politely that, even though I know I am not impaired, I have always been told that lawyers recommend refusing the test because the machines are imperfect. She could not have been more friendly and convincing as she told me that in North Carolina refusal of the test constitutes an automatic six-month license suspension, but “Honestly, I’d advise you to just take it since you seem like you’ll do fine.” Despite the fact that I don’t live here and would be largely unaffected by a license suspension in North Carolina, I agreed that there was really no reason not to take the test since it seemed obvious I would pass. After breathing into the machine, she asked me to turn around and she put me in handcuffs. The officers didn’t allow me to retrieve the keys in the ignition and my wallet from the truck as they called a tow service and we drove away.

When I mentioned I had an urgent responsibility to take care of, I was referring to my parents’ ailing dog. They had asked me if I could come housesit while they had to be out of town, because the dog had recently contracted diabetes, lost half its body weight, and needed medicine at regular intervals. I calmly but purposefully explained this to the officer driving me to the police station and asked if they could stop by my parents’ house on the way so I could at least give the dog its scheduled insulin injection. I was refused even though it was less than five minutes away.

As we walk into the station they are being quite civil and explain that they need me to take a “real breathalyzer,” because the initial one can’t provide reliable measures but can only advise them to take me in. I once again suggest that maybe I shouldn’t take it, and she responds, “Look, you’re being very cooperative. I’ll talk to the magistrate and you’ll probably be out of here in no more than an hour and a half.” Still nervous, mainly because the dog’s fate is in my hands, I blow into the machine as heartily as I can in an emotional attempt to demonstrate my control of all bodily functions. This registers exactly a 0.08 (the legal limit), and I express surprise that I’m that close to being over the limit combined with relief that I can finally start getting out of there and back to the dog.

At that moment, any façade of civility was suddenly sucked out of the room and an environment of hostility swooped in in its stead. I have never encountered such rudeness in my life. They scoff at me and say that I am being charged with driving while impaired. I ask if we can redo the tests and am refused. I am never offered a blood test. As I try to ask what can be done about the dog, they laugh at me, and this continues as a form of entertainment for the officers and guards for the duration of my processing. It’s clear at this point that they were not being forthright with me and simply tricking me into taking the breath test. I give up fighting for myself and ask if an officer can at least accompany me to the house, which is nearby, to give the dog its medicine and then do with me whatever is deemed necessary. This is apparently hilarious. When I get a chance to speak with the magistrate and once again explain the situation calmly, she tells me I can use the phone in just a minute once the guard tells me I can.  He never does. When I try to ask her if she’ll remind him to let me, the other male magistrate jumps out of his seat and yells and curses at me to sit down. Finally, after much more than a minute, I ask the guard if I can use the phone, and he says, “Yeah, go ahead obviously” even though it was far from obvious.  None of the bail bondsmen listed in the phonebook would service any bail less than $500 (mine had been set at $300), and as mentioned previously the officers didn’t allow me to retrieve anything from the car such as my wallet or keys.

The arresting female officer has completely abandoned her friendly posture now that I’ve taken the test and when I ask a simple question that has not been answered at all, she cuts me off and says “Just stop talking, you’re giving me a headache.  I’ve already explained that twice.” Much later, as I’ve reached my father on the phone in the middle of the night in an attempt to alert him about not being able to give the dog his medicine, a guard starts yelling at me that I need to follow him. When I try to explain that this is life or death for the dog (and he has overheard me explain this the whole time to various people), he gets right in my face and snarls, “Fuck your dog.”  Shortly thereafter I try to plead with another guard who simply retorts “just shut the fuck up about your fucking dog” before leading me into a jail cell.


I was not able to attend my scheduled trial in February 2011 for the same reason I was able to come out to Asheville to housesit for the dog in the first place: I had quit my job in Dallas and agreed to teach abroad in China for one year. After returning to the U.S., I promptly contacted an attorney, turned myself in to the jail (a warrant had been issued for me due to my failure to appear in court), and awaited my new court date on May 14, 2012. In the interim, my attorney contacted the arresting officer in an attempt to review her notes, which apparently has long been common practice in Buncombe County, so that we could review our options in advance of the trial. The officer returned my attorney’s voicemail and said that her sergeant instructed her not to release the notes of this case in advance of the trial day…

As the notes were handed over in court, my attorney and I were surprised to read that the officers at the scene felt I displayed subjective qualities of impairment such as “slurred speech.” However, the real shocker was the allegation that the officer asked for my state registration card and I proceeded to hand over “the same insurance card four times [in a row] even though officer [number two] saw the registration card on the top of his paperwork.” This is difficult to even respond to, because what actually happened was I explained to the officers as I handed him the insurance card (one time) that the truck belongs to my parents and I don’t know where they keep everything, but I know they have made sure I am on all of the necessary paperwork.

Since there is no video of this exchange, just close your eyes and try to picture someone handing over the same card four times in a row. That person would have to be quite intoxicated or mentally handicapped. It’s not even a reasonable exaggeration for a large male with experience drinking who registers on the legal limit.

My attorney tried to calm my outrage while providing me sound legal advice. He informed me that in Buncombe County, as long as the officers’ notes show reasonable cause for them to administer a breathalyzer test, then the judge will consider the test admissible. And if the test shows a 0.08 or higher in Buncombe County, then a conviction is automatic. If that reasonable cause was going to come down to the officers’ word vs. mine, he said, then it simply wasn’t worth the extra money in attorney’s fees and court costs as well as the additional punishment to be meted out as a result of pleading not guilty and going through with a full trial. Without much in the way of financial resources, I made the difficult choice to plead guilty.

What we have lost touch with in this country is the ability to make judgment calls. I learned during my alcohol and drug education traffic school, which I recently completed as part of my punishment, that depending on a person’s tolerance a BAC higher than 0.08 may be needed before any impairment occurs. Yet the consequences I will face as a result of this unfortunate evening are the same as someone who may have been swerving or falling asleep at the wheel or worse, and they will continue unabated in the form of having to respond to questions about my criminal history on job applications, raised insurance rates, etc. My license has now been suspended in North Carolina for one year, and if I am pulled over at any time in the next three years with a BAC of 0.04 or higher, I will face consequences of increased severity. I guess being convicted triggers a physiological change that causes one to become impaired twice as easily.

In my eyes, the consequences I put others at risk for that night are no different than those posed by me any time I drive a car. For what it’s worth, and I recognize that I every time I get behind the wheel I must continue to be vigilant as no one ever expects an accident to occur, my criminal/traffic record prior to this incident was completely clean except for a few speeding tickets, and the only car accident I have ever been in occurred when I was 17 (I rear-ended someone after my brakes skidded while it was raining).

This is certainly not simply an Asheville problem, but I believe the Asheville populace may be one of the most ready to hear the message. As I look back over this incident I see a young male who looks like he could be in college driving away from an area where many young people drink and drive. I see officers ready to pounce as soon as I pull out of the gas station without headlights on. I see manipulation to get “proof” of impairment. Looking at this from an economic perspective, more police officers are needed to conduct all of the arrests, people get paid to conduct alcohol assessments and teach alcohol classes, and yet more people are needed to oversee those serving jail time and performing community service. Some may gain, but others definitely lose.

Although I am acutely aware of the dangers posed by drinking and driving, and I hope we can foster a society in which people understand more clearly the risks inherent in this behavior and choose not to engage in it, “To protect and serve” no longer seems to be the overarching goal.




Patrick Love



P.S. I have the quotes in this letter because I wrote down a multiple-page account of every minute detail that I could muster as soon as I was released the following morning. For those who are interested, the dog survived but went completely blind.

Touch down in China town

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Thirteen has always been a significant number for me and it has now been thirteen days and change since Grace, sitting in the front seat of the taxi-van that drove us to my apartment from the Zhengzhou airport, said “We’re here.” Grace is a very friendly, attractive Chinese native who also teaches English (she speaks quite well) at our school, and I remember getting out of the backseat in denial that we were really “here.” After all, the stairwell she was directing me toward was damp, dark, and dirty, and I wasn’t quite ready to accept that this was where I was actually going to be coming home to for an entire year.

Ah how my perspective has changed. My apartment is actually quite nice (at least by my recent standards of living), and it even has a laundry “hall” in the back with a washing machine and two clotheslines for drying. But no one cares about that (and if you do, then I suggest you come and stay with me for a bit and then you can tell me what you think of my new digs). What about China, or, more specifically, Zhengzhou?

The photo to the left, of Erqi Memorial Tower in downtown’s main square, was captured with my iPhone, which I successfully unlocked last night after days of searching for Wi-Fi hotspots until a network named “Papa John’s” popped up as I was wandering through the shopping mall that also houses the local Wal-Mart. And yes, that would be the same “Papa’s in the House” Papa John’s as exists stateside, except this location may be the only one in town, was virtually empty, offers dishes such as chicken and corn pizza, and was located on the top (5th) floor of a mall comprised almost exclusively of apparel vendors save for the two American franchises mentioned herein.

My teaching schedule at the Henan College of Finance and Taxation is as follows: Mon. 8 a.m.-noon, Weds. 8 a.m.-noon, Thurs. 2 p.m.-6 p.m., Fri. 8 a.m.-noon, and Sat. 2 p.m.-6 p.m. I have four different sections of students that I rotate between, each numbering 25-40 students, and no I have not learned all of their names yet despite being almost two weeks into the semester. But hey, I arrived late on Friday night, Feb. 18, tired as can be, only to find out I was expected to give a lecture at 8 a.m. Monday morning and nobody had a syllabus or even a textbook ready for my class as the recruiter and I had discussed, so I think my performance in the classroom has been adequate thus far. It can be quite distracting when students are talking to each other instead of listening to me while I stand and speak in front of the entire class, but given some of my antics in school as a young buck I probably deserve much worse.

The award for “most shocking difference compared to back home” that I have noticed thus far has got to go to the accepted standard (or lack thereof) of locations for urination and defecation by those three years of age and under. People driving their cars and motorbikes on the sidewalks would probably have finished a closer second had I not gotten somewhat used to it in Thailand.

But yeah, so…the marshmallow babies: this nickname arises from their uniformly rotund appearance, which is actually quite cute, given that they are not so much fat as decked out in multiple layers (which results in very round figures waddling about), until you find yourself behind one and you do a double-take when you think you notice an ass-crack where the seat of the pants should be. Your second inspection confirms that there is indeed a massive rip right down the center of the garment despite the fact that it is chilly enough to otherwise warrant multiple layers. Why subject one’s offspring to gusts of cold air right up the tailpipe?

Because who wants to deal with dirty diapers, silly? When baby has to go, he just stops, squats, and takes care of business on the sidewalk. It is truly a sight to behold the first time you witness it happening in front of you. Oh, and watch your step.

Last Friday my “boss” invited me and the other foreign teacher (a young woman from Florida named Alicia) out to dinner, and my American colleague warned me ahead of time that this evening would probably revolve more around boozing than eating. She had the scoop on this function because, while it was essentially a “welcome dinner” for me, it was her second rodeo since she had arrived at the start of the fall semester last October. While there certainly was some delicious food that adorned the “lazy susan” at which about nine of us dined, her warning was not unwarranted. My “boss” is a man who speaks no English (except for “Alicia, drink!”, which he learned at her initial welcome dinner in a blatant attempt to get the Caucasian female drunk, and she said she even ended up puking in the bathroom before the dinner was over that night), and every time he wanted to propose a toast to me or anyone else, he would just rattle off some Chinese and then either Grace or the other bilingual native teacher would translate. He toasted to my “health,” and my “wealth,” and my “good luck,” and, well you get the point. By the way, these were shots of a 56% alcohol substance named “baijiu.” While I never had to make intimate contact with the porcelain gods, we were good and drunk by the time we left the restaurant. Bossman was apparently unconcerned with the prospect that we both had class the next day (and at 8 a.m. in Alicia’s case).

Seeing as how I didn’t have to get up nearly as early, I wandered across the street to a “pool hall” named “Free Balls.” In spite of the strange moniker, the mere presence of English letters on the sign instead of Chinese characters had me abuzz at the prospect that there might be some other English-speakers inside. I descended two flights of stairs only to enter a smoky room with one empty pool table in view. As I navigated the fumes, I saw two large rectangular bar-style tables with Chinese people seated around them and I tried to go lean against a wall to avoid attracting the inevitable attention that comes with being the only white person in the room. I did not make it that far.

Soon I was being challenged to beer-chugging contests by many of the males (I dominated), and then the emcee pulled me up on stage to dance to the Chinese music they were listening to. Oddly enough all of the males were sitting at one of the two tables and all of the females were sitting at the other one. We were soon playing a game, even though I did not know it at the time, in which a cup is passed around each table and the male who has the cup when the emcee cuts off the music has to come up to the stage and carry around on his shoulder whichever female ended up with the other cup. In what I’m sure was a stroke of pure chance, the music stopped when the cup was in my hands and I was dragged up to the stage by several excited onlookers. Before lifting the girl over my right shoulder I made a feeble attempt to point to the splint on my left forearm, but it was already settled and away we twirled.

Despite the fact that I was unable to make any real conversation with anyone once the novelty of my presence had worn off, the hospitality was truly remarkable and they wouldn’t even let me pay for my drinks when I finally decided to stumble home. I guess the Chinese often try to pay for your “first time” when you are in their country, because I ate lunch with one of my students today and he also refused to let me pay “just for the first time.”

Saturday night’s encore was equally raucous. After my classes were finished at 6 p.m., we started pre-gaming with some store-bought baijiu and drinking games. The wrecking crew for the evening included Alicia and I, her friend who is staying with her for two months, another foreign teacher we had met who works at our college’s other campus, another teacher she knew, and a young college-aged Chinese guy who speaks English and had approached us on the street one day. We headed first to V8 Club for a couple of drinks and some people-watching, but before long we were in a pair of taxis and headed to some other pulsating nightclub. It was here that members of our party started taking shots with random Chinese people who wanted to meet Americans, getting drunk, and dancing on tables before wandering home at various hours in the 3:30-6:00 a.m. range. At 11:30 on Sunday, Alicia, her friend, and I were scheduled to eat lunch with (and in my case, meet) the lady who signs our checks. I’m holding out hope that I mostly made sense in conversation over that hangover-zapping meal.

I mentioned the splint on my wrist in that little recap. For anyone who doesn’t know, I did shatter my wrist in a scooter accident (I was run over by a drunk driver on Jan. 29) and I had surgery on February 3. It is recovering well and obviously I am just thankful and very lucky that my injuries were not drastically worse. Rehab can be frustrating – I still don’t have very much range of motion in terms of bending my wrist downwards (or “flexion” as the doctors say) – but I am being diligent in my rehab so hopefully it will continue to improve.

That’s about all I’ve got for today. I’ve been too busy so far to really put any serious thought into learning Chinese, but I’ve got “hello, thank you, no, 0, 1, 2,” and a couple of other basics down. While this city may not be as “happening” or attuned to English speakers as Beijing or even Bangkok, I am nonetheless optimistic about the potential ways I can spend my time here over the course of this year improving my health financially, physically, mentally, and otherwise. I can’t promise any frequency of writing; after all I’ve never prepared a course syllabus for 125 students before, but this will be the place I post any “travelogues” or similar pieces. I hope we can all stay in touch with e-mail, Skype, and the rest. Seeing as how the Chinese New Year celebrations were coming to a close right as I arrived, I wish you all good fortune in the Year of the Rabbit!

Signing off,


Fifty Hours from Football

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

It is probably unhealthy the degree to which this time of year brings a spring to my step. Nonetheless, we are officially less than fifty hours away from NFL football. And with that reality on tap, I can begin (shamelessly at least) thinking about fantasy and tweaking my roster more than anything else. No wonder I’m broke.

Enough of that self-pity crap and on to my roster. And yes, I said roster. I made a commitment to myself to field only one team this year. While it is certainly enjoyable to stockpile tons of great players across multiple teams, where is the authenticity in that? I’m sure any NFL owner would love to have numerous top-five talents at each position distributed amongst several squads, and then actively pimp the team that finds the most success. But even if this is fantasy, it just doesn’t work that way.

Thus I stuck with my favorite league and said “good-bye” to all the others. I don’t even have any throwaway teams in free public leagues on sites such as F*ck You Manu* is in its fifth year of operation, and all of my rival owners are active in the league as well as personal friends. For the sake of full disclosure, I am both the Commissioner and reigning champion. Based on what I’ve gathered following the draft, though, I wouldn’t call myself the favorite to repeat in 2010, at least not before I pull off a mid-season trade for an upgrade at QB. But I am certainly ready to roll with my guys. You be the judge.


QB: Matt Cassel; Derek Anderson; Jason Campbell; Matt Moore
RB: Arian Foster; Ahmad Bradshaw; Carnell Williams; Leon Washington
WR: Andre Johnson; Calvin Johnson; Brandon Marshall; Marques Colston; Dwayne Bowe; Johnny Knox; Joshua Cribbs
TE: Jermichael Finley; Owen Daniels; Jermaine Gresham
K: David Buehler
DEF/ST: Philadelphia Eagles
DL: Julius Peppers
LB: [yet to be signed]
DB: Bernard Pollard

*Despite the enjoyment our league has provided to all its former and current members, unfortunately its nomenclature has a more troubled history that may only be cured by a Dallas Mavericks NBA Championship. F*ck You Manu was preceded in title by F*ck Tha Birdman (2009), F*ck David West (2008), F*ck Matt Barnes (2007), & F*ck Dwyane Wade (2006) – chilling references to figures who played notable roles in ousting the Mavs from their perennial championship quest.

More about the league:
-We maintain a cap of ten franchises in the league due to the use of two starting quarterbacks per team and the complications presented therein during bye weeks.
-On that note, the starting roster slots are as follows: QB, QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, WR, TE, RB/WR, WR/TE, K, D/ST, DL, LB, DB.
-Scoring settings have been tweaked through the years and we believe they are the best in the business. Here is the rundown:
Offensive Players
Passing Yards 1 point per 30 yards
Passing Touchdowns 6
Interceptions -3
Rushing Yards 1 point per 10 yards
Rushing Touchdowns 6
Reception Yards 1 point per 10 yards
Reception Touchdowns 6
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns 10
2-Point Conversions 2
Fumbles Lost -2
Offensive Fumble Return TD 6
Field Goals 0-19 Yards 3
Field Goals 20-29 Yards 3
Field Goals 30-39 Yards 4
Field Goals 40-49 Yards 5
Field Goals 50+ Yards 10
Point After Attempt Made 1
Point After Attempt Missed -2
Defense+Special Teams Unit
Sack 1.5
Interception 3
Fumble Recovery 3
Defensive Touchdown 6
Safety 4
Block Kick 4
Kickoff and Punt Return Touchdowns 6
Points Allowed 0 points 20
Points Allowed 1-6 points 13
Points Allowed 7-13 points 7
Points Allowed 14-20 points 3
Points Allowed 21-27 points 0
Points Allowed 28-34 points -2
Points Allowed 35+ points -6
Individual Defensive Players
Tackle Solo 1.25
Tackle Assist 0.75
Sack 3
Interception 5
Fumble Force 4
Fumble Recovery 4
Defensive Touchdown 10
Safety 7
Pass Defended 1.75
Block Kick 6

-And finally, what about the moolah? $35 is the entry fee. $250 goes to the victor. $65 for losing in the Super Bowl. And winning the 3rd place consolation game boomerangs your original $35 back to you.

Tourists Game

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Last night I took in my first minor league baseball game and it provided an enjoyable contrast to a Major League Baseball contest.

In a match-up of vicious team mascots, the Asheville Tourists welcomed the visiting Greensboro Grasshoppers.  There were plenty of lead changes to keep the action fresh: Asheville got on the board first, Greensboro put up a six-run 3rd inning to make it 6-1, next Asheville charged back to take a 8-7 lead, and finally in the top of the ninth Greensboro scratched one more run across against the Tourists’ closer before their final man was sent down swinging with the score standing at 11-9 in favor of the home team.

As for the quality of play, there were three or four mammoth home runs and there were multiple pitchers throwing in the mid-90s according to the guns.  Baseball really is a game of inches, though, and I suppose putting a 94-mph fastball down the middle of the plate may be why some of those balls traveled to another stratosphere and the pitchers who threw them are still playing in single-A.  Two Colorado Rockies’ (Asheville is one of their affiliates) scouts sat across the aisle from me during the second half of the game and made notes after every pitch.

There was plenty of history to soak in at McCormick Field as well.  Willie Stargell and Eddie Murray both played for the Tourists, and legend has it the layout of the ballpark is what first inspired Murray to transform himself into a switch-hitter.  Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Ty Cobb, and Jackie Robinson have all played as visitors (although some of the games may have been of the barnstorming/exhibition variety) at this ballpark, and in 1972 Cal Ripken, Jr. was a batboy while his father (the elder Cal) was manager of the team.  Sparky Anderson also managed the team to a 1968 championship before landing a gig in the bigs.  Current major leaguers who cut their teeth as Tourists include Todd Helton and current Texas Ranger Jason Jennings.  Even Bull Durham showcases the team as the club Crash Davis joins to finish his career and break the minor-league home run record.

Enough with the glitter.  The estimated attendance was 2,596.  We got to the box office five minutes before the first pitch and scored sixth row seats behind home plate for $10 each.    They didn’t even stop selling beer after the seventh inning like many of the wussy Major League teams do now.  The atmosphere was much more like a high school game than anything I’ve ever experienced at big league digs.  Well, except for the fact that there was a billboard for the premier local head shop above the seats behind third base.  All in all, though, it was a great time and I would go again.  As I said, tix were only $10 a piece for the best seats in the house.  It is possible to spend $40 a pop, but that comes with the experience of taking BP with the team before the game.  Unfortunately, we arrived too late to partake, and besides, I wouldn’t want to embarrass my parents’ new hometown team.

Best of all, I got to see recent South Atlantic League Hall of Fame inductee and current Tourists’ manager Joe Mikulik up close and personal.  He even charged out of the dugout to argue a call for us.  Alas it didn’t come close to his most famous tirade.  Nor could it compete with my favorite minor league managerial explosion of all time.  But for $10 it was more than satisfactory.

iLove iPhone

Friday, August 14th, 2009

Filthy crunk. That is how I describe the iPhone.

The time had come to take on the added responsibility of paying a monthly telephone bill. I had been living without such a burden for a couple of months since returning to the States, but along with this benefit came the nagging annoyance of having to borrow a phone every time I wanted to make a call.

The previous time I had been stateside for a few months I had hooked up with MetroPCS. Their $30/month “Unlimited” plan really reeled me in. But once I started setting up my account with the guy in the store, the asterisks made their presence known. “$30 only covers local calling. It’s $35 a month if you want to be able to call outside of Dallas.” “Oh, you want our advanced “text messaging” feature? That’s an $5 extra per month.” “Voicemail? No, that’s not included. You’ll have to step up to our $45/month a plan.” Then my first bill comes and boom – $59 with taxes and other nonsense. I’ll give them credit: at check out my phone itself only ran me $5 and the coverage (which some of my friends told me beforehand they had “heard” was terrible) was pretty good. But if I was gonna be paying that much each month, this time I wanted to go see just how much more what I really wanted would actually cost.

Apple’s newest model of iPhone, the 3GS, costs 50% less than the original iPhone did at its debut two years ago.

It turned out it’s not that bad. My monthly plan is $69.99 for 450 anytime minutes + $5 extra for 200 text messages. Granted I don’t talk on the phone much, and I understand how some people will immediately think that they would need a much more expensive plan, but one must first consider that this comes with rollover, 5000 night/weekend minutes, and unlimited calls with other AT & T customers. So basically, there’s a lot of comping going on here – I would probably downgrade my plan if I could. Add ~$13 of tax/fees on top of this and we’re looking at 88 bucks a month. I can work with that.

What about the other two heads of the dragon (cost of the device and evil stipulations of contract)? You can get an 8GB iPhone 3G for $99. Or you can get a 16GB iPhone 3GS $199. I went all in and scored a 32GB 3GS for $299. But this is because I am addicted to the Internet (not just porn) as well as music and I knew I would get my $100 worth out of the extra space; for many people a 16GB will be more than enough.

Contract. Boy I hate these things. I think the guy in the Apple Store was confused about how I could be so excited about getting an iPhone and at the same time asking so many questions about the details of the early termination fee. Hey, I like to travel. Anyway, I am amazed at how manageable this deal is. I had heard all this talk about “they really rope you in with the contract so you’re stuck owing them for two years.” No you’re not. The fee is $175. Each time you pay your monthly statement, it drops by $5. So if I decide to hop to South America in five months, I’ll give up $150 (less than two monthly bills) and be free as a bird.

To be clear, I am not saying I really think AT & T needs $90 per person to keep their network up and running (if they want my financial advice it would be to stop running so many corny advertisements), but rather that compared to other popular providers like Cingular/T-Mobile/etc. its really not that bad to get an iPhone. And before I move on from the subject of cost, I will say that there is a one-time activation fee of about $40 and the protective cases for this thing are way overpriced. I dropped $15 for a screen film and $35 on a sleek black rubber incase with a front lip. But considering I bought the most expensive model of iPhone and I’m a complete klutz who likes to drink 23 beers in a night, I deemed this a worthwhile expenditure.

Enough with all that. I got it two weeks ago. My life has changed since that day. I don’t even know where to begin, so please excuse the lack of organization in the following drool of praise.

Can you say all-in-one device? It fits in your pocket without the slightest feeling of unwanted bulk. It is a camera (go 3GS and you can also include camcorder), an iPod (for music and video), a GPS, a video game player+controller, an e-mail client, an Operating System for an ever-expanding library of apps, and a fully functional Internet browser. And cool features like the touch screen and accelerometer (I’m not even going to pretend like I fully understand what that is) serve to exponentially increase the potential for developer innovation.

Not only is it all of these things, but each one of them is built superbly. The camera has a one-touch button on screen to send a photo you’ve just snapped to a friend. The iPod automatically syncs with updated podcasts just by plugging it into your computer, and you can listen to them at 2x speed to save time. The GPS is basically Google Maps, except it magically determines your current location for you and you can even scroll to one of your contacts as a destination address. Miss a turn, get lost, or the directions were bad? Just pull over and fire up an updated map from your new coordinates. I’ve already played some video games on here (i.e. Metal Gear Solid Touch) that compete graphically with the PSP, and the versatility of other apps is virtually infinite. In fact, new paragraph, lemme list ten sweet ones:

– Pandora Radio: Just like the Internet site, all you have to do is enter a song or an artist, and voila! Pandora creates a radio station that plays songs similar to what you entered.

– Shazam: Ever ask yourself, “I know that song. Damn it, what is it?” Just open Shazam and hold it in the air. It’ll tell you.

– Voice Memos: Comes preloaded on the iPhone. One click to record a Norm MacDonald-style “Note to Self.”

– WordPress: Have a blog (like this one)? Streamlined interface for efficiently cranking out a new post.

– iHandyLevel: Just put your iPhone on top of that picture frame and adjust accordingly.

– Offender Locator Lite: See pics and addresses of registered sex offenders nearby. Sometimes you can’t help but wonder …

– Postino: Instantly turn any photo you’ve snapped into an e-mail postcard to be sent to a close one. Oh, you prefer a traditional postcard that someone can hold in their hand? Just charge $2 and consider it mailed.

– Urban Spoon: Can’t think of anywhere fresh to eat? Adjust the filters to your desire and spin away. Urban Spoon is a slot machine that costs nothing to play and spills out tasty restaurant locations near you as jackpots.

– Skype/textPlus: Actually two different apps. I think using the Skype for phone calls in lieu of your minutes might take a little hacking, but as it is you can IM chat on Skype or send free SMS texts with textPlus.

– Paper Toss: An awesome office basketball game played with a wad of paper and the trash can. The defense? That electric fan off to the side. I got stuck in nightmare traffic on the highway last night. Before iPhone? Pissed off plove. After iPhone? New high score on medium difficulty setting.

By the way, these are all free apps since I’m a cheap bastard. I’m afraid to see what lurks in the actual marketplace.

Still not convinced? I’ll leave you with this epiphany I had today. I was sitting in a Sonic Drive-In (large Caramel Mocha Java Chiller if you must know), thinking about how the iPhone was like having my laptop (which I also love) in my pocket. I was browsing cars for sale on craigslist and I couldn’t shake the feeling that this device was actually somehow better than my laptop. Obviously there’s the size difference but it was something else. Oh I know! If I was in my car with my laptop, how would I connect to the Internet without WiFi? My phone has unlimited Internet everywhere – I don’t even need a modem and a router.

Don’t let these people who tell you they type too many text messages to mess with a touch screen (the keyboard works great too, by the way, but you probably figured as much by now) slow you down on your way to the Apple Store. And don’t worry about what this guy had to say; the data plan is included nowadays.

And no, I don’t secretly work for Apple, because if I did, I wouldn’t have another tab open trying to figure out how to jailbreak this thing so I can get all the apps I want for free.